Apparently I woke up at 5:16 AM that night, given the fact that I have replied at that time to the following message:
3:28 AM – “Her condition is worse no wand her heartbeat hasn’t been over 35 in an hour. Unfortunately the doctors also just informed us that she is in a coma as of now.”
I don’t remember much of the following hours, so I’m assuming I fell asleep again after reading that. I can’t have been deeply asleep because when they send me the next message I immediately replied. It was 7:02 when they informed me that her heartbeat had risen to 50, which was of course a good sign, but given the fact that she was still in a coma, well.. My mind was already making up horror stories about how she would be in a coma forever and how they would have to pull the plug on her eventually. My mind can be a very scary place sometimes.
I think I dragged myself out of bed around ten o’clock. I was still so tired, but it was a new day and it was time for me to get up and concur that day, even if I didn’t feel like it. When my mind finally started to wake up a little bit as well, I asked Maria what it meant that she was in a coma right now. I mean, it was not like I had a lot of experience. What I really wanted to know of course, was if she was going to wake up. Maria didn’t catch on to that. She told me that it meant that she was in some sort of heavy slumber and that the doctors had no idea when she would wake up and if she would wake up. They told me it might be a couple of days, a couple of weeks, or a couple of months even. I noticed they were not that fast to reply to my messages anymore, I understood that, they must’ve been answering all kinds of questions from all of Vera’s friends, given how many knew what was going on. As for me, I went downstairs for breakfast, without even bothering to bring my phone. I guess you get used to this after a while.
I had just started my homework when I received the next message. I should really say ‘homework’ because even though I tried, my schoolwork just couldn’t hold my attention for long. They told me that soon they would be allowed to check on her and that as soon as she was stable, she would be allowed to have more visitors. I thought it was nice that they got to see her, as I was thrilled about getting to see her again myself. They also told me that she was being watched constantly and that her heartbeat had returned to normal, which was nice to hear. It came to me then that Vera wouldn’t actually notice having visitors, given she was in a coma. But then I remembered something about this book I read, about a guy being in a coma, and how sometimes, even though being in a coma, they can still hear their beloved ones and sometimes it even helps them to wake up.
Now given the truth value of the movies I had seen about things like this, I bothered to check my theory and they confirmed. She might indeed be able to hear them. I was glad for her. If she could only hear them, everything would be alright. I did continue working on some schoolwork and it was starting to go better when at 3:48 PM I just couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to know if they had talked to her and if she was alright and whether she had responded to hem in any way. So I asked. I knew it wasn’t fair to bother them with my worry all day, as they had enough worries of their own, but I just had to know. They replied almost immediately, saying that they were with her right then and that she seemed to awaken from her coma.
Several things crossed my mind that second. First I wanted to jump into the air or punch something because of how happy and relieved I was. Second I wondered why the heck they were sending me messages when they finally got to see her! It seemed so strange at the time, but at the same time I was so grateful. I didn’t even know how to tell them how relieved I was. I didn’t feel like sharing the feeling with anyone else anyway. I told them I was very relieved to hear that and they replied that they were very relieved as well, but that I had to keep in mind that it still wasn’t sure how she would recover from this and that she was still in a lot of danger. I told them I understood that and that I really hoped everything would be alright. They said they did too and that at least this was a pretty darn good step in the right direction.
I guess after that it just all crashed down on me. Everything I had been pushing away to work on my schoolwork, my schoolwork itself, it just felt like my mind was going to explode. It was so darn full. I told them that every once in a while it was a little bit too much too handle. That was an understatement, but I hadn’t wanted Vera to read that back when she got all better. I started crying. They told me it was a little bit too much to take every once in a while for them as well, but that they were keeping faith. Yes, I wanted to keep faith as well. I had faith in her. I had faith that she would recover. But at the same time I was so scared and all the emotion, most of which I couldn’t even recognize in myself were all just pouring out at that moment.
I told my boyfriend it was all a little bit too much to deal with right now. I was kind of afraid to get a scolding and that he would tell me to just forget about it and do my schoolwork, but he surprised me by saying quite the opposite. He told me to take a break to take my mind off of things and that he himself had done nothing for school all day. It was the best thing he could’ve told me, and once again I was so grateful to have him. I told him I was thinking about talking a hot shower or a warm bath, but that I didn’t know if I had the patience for that. I was being kind of restless. But I decided on the bath anyway and it turned out to be alright. I was only in there for an hour and I couldn’t have brought myself to leave my phone in my room, so I had brought it with me and balanced it on the edge of the tub, checking it every fifteen minutes to see if anything new had happened. Nothing did though, so after an hour I got out and got dressed again, and worked on school a little bit longer till dinnertime.
My mom was ill so it was my task to take care of the dog. After dinner I went outside to walk him, normally my thoughts drift away in all kinds of directions when I walk my dog, this time I just couldn’t stop thinking about her. Even while walking the dog I checked my phone twice to see if there was any news. Every time I clicked on the on button my heart stopped for a second. Expecting to see a message saying she was dead. I sighed in relief every time there were no new messages. When I got back from my walk at 7:30 PM I received word that she had woken up, but that she was very confused and that she would need some time to realize what happened. I told them I was glad she was awake, even though that meant she was probably in a lot of pain. They confirmed that, even though they didn’t know just how bad it was. They said they were just glad she recognized them. I could only imagine.
I wanted to be there so bad. To see her, look her in the eye, and have her recognize me as well. I was so scared that she wouldn’t remember who I was anymore. I wanted to confirm that she was alright with my own eyes. But I had to remind myself that I wasn’t what kept the world spinning and that her life wasn’t all about me. I asked them what the chances were that there would be further complications, because I just couldn’t really accept she’d just be fine. They said it was still possible, that even after a week it would still be possible after a surgery like this. That scared me. Another week of being scared. Another week of uncertainty. Another week of her possibly dying. I asked her if, now that she was awake, they had learned anything new about the brain damage they had caused. They told me that due to her being unstable, they hadn’t had the chance to scan her yet. The coma and the fact that she had no heartbeat for over fifteen minutes would probably have done damage, but there was no saying how bad that would be or if it would recover.
I realized that up until that moment I had just expected them to ask her to lift her arm and stuff like that to find out if there was any damage. Stupid, ignorant me. Of course they were going to scan her and see if there was any serious damage to her brain and/or organs I could’ve thought of that. Once again it made me feel really stupid. I told them that I hoped she would recover soon, also partly so that I could talk to her and visit her again and that she would fully recover, even though that might be a little bit too optimistic. They said they hoped that too. After that it was time for just a little bit more homework. I couldn’t get any more behind than I already was or I would get in serious trouble.
I read some pages of my textbook and after that I skyped with my boyfriend, because he had promised me he would check my paper that was due the next day for spelling errors. I was awful at spelling. It was nice talking to him again. He was very cheerful and optimistic, though I don’t know how much of that was for my sake. He kept drifting off and doing other stuff as always and I had to keep telling him to focus on my paper. It was almost like there wasn’t anything wrong, except for me being super, super tired. When he finished I immediately said goodbye even though it was only little past nine. At 9:40 PM I asked Maria one last time how she was doing, before I would go to bed and she told me that she was pretty clear already. She was asleep now. I thought of her sleeping, that little cute thing, and I felt happy and optimistic. At 9:52 PM I told my boyfriend goodnight and crawled into bed. I didn’t take me long to fall asleep.